The 6 best ways not to be an "askhole"

There's a right (and wrong) way to receive professional feedback

May 28, 2023

Welcome to Illuminate Me. Each week, I share an illuminating insight to help you communicate and connect better, growing your reach, impact, and career.

This week’s insight: Don’t be an “askhole.”

Hey, Illuminate Me tribe!

With a headline like that, I know you must be eager to read on. But before you do, I wanted to give you a quick heads-up that I’ll be leaving soon for an extended family vacation in Europe. Since I want to be fully present during our travels, this newsletter will also take a two-week break, but it (and I) will resume on June 18th, no doubt feeling refreshed, re-energized, and ready to share lots of illuminating new content. Until then, please enjoy this week’s edition. Thanks for your support, and see you in two weeks!

Congratulations, you’ve done it!

You’ve mustered up the courage to ask for feedback from your boss, and she’s agreed to deliver it to you.

Now what?

Just as you had a plan to request feedback, you should also prepare to receive it.

Because if you don’t, you’ll risk being an “askhole,” someone who asks for feedback but gets upset when it’s given to you.

And nobody wants that.

This is how the smartest career professionals receive feedback:

Before

Remember why you asked

Before entering that meeting, remind yourself why you asked for it. The benefit of receiving feedback is that it helps you understand where you excel and areas that need more attention. Both types of input will help you improve your skills, performance, and relationships so that you can do your job better.

Set the tone

Prepare yourself for feedback by adopting a growth mindset in which you view any criticism as a chance to learn. And don’t keep it to yourself—communicate to your boss that you’re grateful for the opportunity to discuss your performance with her and that you’re willing to hear the good and bad. This establishes a non-confrontational environment with a shared goal of improvement.

During

Listen to understand, not respond

As tempting as it might be to jump in with commentary, focus on actively listening when your boss begins to share feedback with you. Your job is first to understand and not respond to feedback, so use your pause button if you hear something unexpected. As you listen, take notes and jot down any questions that pop up in your mind to minimize interruptions. Repeat what you’ve heard when they’re done to ensure you fully understand their perspective. This gives your boss a chance to confirm or better express their assessment.

Ask questions to share your perspective

After you’ve heard from your boss, you’ll likely want to respond. Rather than debate, which your boss could view as combative, allow your curiosity to lead you by asking questions. If something isn’t clear, it’s okay to ask for clarification and examples to aid in your understanding of what’s working and what’s not. Have a conversation, not a confrontation. Remember, the goal is to work toward solutions by identifying and addressing issues collaboratively.

After

Establish and agree upon next steps

Before you leave your meeting, ensure you’ve mutually agreed on next steps and timing. Specificity is your friend; it aligns you and your boss and removes ambiguity, so winging it won’t work. In addition to acknowledging your boss’s comments, be clear on exactly what kind of feedback you’re looking for—would you like three things you can work on to improve? Guidance on setting long-term goals? Being direct and specific in your communication helps your boss do the same to create a win-win. You’re more likely to succeed when you have clear feedback, a game plan, and a timetable.

Don’t forget to say thank you

Be sure to thank your boss for sharing feedback with you, even if you didn’t love all of it. Remember, it isn’t always easy to be on that side of the table. Expressing genuine appreciation doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with everything they said; it demonstrates your professionalism and maturity and acknowledges the time they took to do an assessment and share their thoughts with you. And bonus: they’re more apt to do it again.

Remember, don’t be an “askhole;” prepare to receive professional feedback.

News flash: Busy ≠ productive.

The counterintuitive solution to productivity may lie in the very thing we fear will impede it: slowing down.

In my latest Forbes article, I share seven ways to jump off the hamster wheel.

More illumination:

Miss last week’s newsletter? I shared how to use liminal thinking to get unstuck.
And one from the archives: How I channel my inner MacGyver, an ’80s TV show’s title character who taught us there’s tremendous value in repurposing things—especially content.

P.S.

What I do:

When I’m not writing this newsletter or doing my best not to be an “askhole,” I’m a social media ghostwriter. (Yep, that’s a thing). I help founders craft their stories to communicate and connect better, magnifying their reach and impact. (Think personal branding and thought leadership.)

I can also weave together your personal and professional experience to write an engaging, original, and authentic career story that aligns with and supports your personal brand and thought leadership, positioning you for success.

Learn more by visiting my website.

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